Thanks, I needed that!

Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  (Hebrews 12:11)

I am somewhat proud to report that I have never been drunk in my life. Even though I am not a teetotaler, I know my limits. And it’s not for the reasons one might assume, such as righteousness or scriptural forbearance. The real reason I have never been drunk is because I suffer from a terminal case of what I like to call foot-in-mouth disease: My mouth gets me in so much trouble when I am sober that I am terrified to think of what crazy, embarrassing gaffes might escape my pie hole if I were to loosen the reigns with inebriation. I wish I was as good at limiting my mouth as I am at limiting my alcohol intake.

With the advent of the internet, email and blogs, the same holds true for the words that flow from my fingers to my keyboard and through emails. You’d think that having the time to consider these words more carefully while writing and before hitting the send button might provide a better buffer from such bloopers, but the other day a real zinger escaped from my keyboard and I suffered the humiliation of having a very dear friend call me on the carpet for it.

Earlier that day, another friend had forwarded to me a sweet email homily about a woman who was sitting alone at her mother’s funeral when a man came in and sat next to her, flustered because he was late. It turns out, he thought he was at his aunt’s funeral which was being held in the church across the street. The encounter lifted the woman’s spirits, and brought back some of the joy she knew her mother would have shared. After the funeral the two went out for coffee, and over time a relationship bloomed and they were married.

I enjoyed the story so much that I forwarded it to a select group of friends with a footnote that told how the story touched me in more ways than one — not just because of its poignancy, but also as a confirmation of prayer and God's will at work in my life. I then went on to tell how after struggling to deal with my divorce I had looked back on all of the years that I prayed that God would make me pleasing to my husband, and I mistakenly implied that God caused the end of my marriage because in order for me to be “pleasing to my husband” he had to get rid of the current one so I could have a man that I could please. Then I went on to tell how I have complete faith that the right man is out there for me somewhere, and I know that everything will happen in God's own good time... And in the future, I’ll be much more careful about what I pray for!!!

Even now as I read those words, I’m blushing. What was I thinking when I sent that out? I don’t really believe for one second that God was responsible for the end of my marriage so that I could move forward to find a man whom I can please. I believe that God grieved right along with me when my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and had found somebody else. The death of a marriage is almost as serious as the death of a person, and I know that the responsibility for my divorce lies totally in the actions of my husband and myself, and ultimately, his decision to end it by moving on to somebody else. Unfortunately, God’s will and our choices often do not agree with one another. Clearly my husband was acting apart from God’s will. But God doesn’t force people to love him – or anyone else. However, I do believe that His will can move mountains and lift us from the deepest depths of despair. And that’s what He has done for me as I have dealt with this divorce. He has comforted me, strengthened me and guided me.

So why did I write that crazy message? To be honest, after a lot of self-examination and prayer I can see that I was caught up in being cute and clever. Even though there was some sincere desire in there somewhere to glorify God (in my own gauche way), I was hasty in my writing and should have stopped to consider my words more carefully before hitting that send button. Especially if my first true priority had been to glorify God.

As is so often the case with so many of us, my heart was in the right place, but my brain wasn’t. This is one reason why I identify so closely with the apostle, Peter, who really had a penchant for putting his foot in his mouth. Jesus usually seemed amused by Peter’s exuberance. In Matthew 14, when Jesus is walking on the water and Peter starts to join him but starts sinking, I like to picture Jesus chuckling to himself as he pulls Peter out of the drink. On the other hand, Peter’s effusiveness lead to harsh rebuke from Jesus (Mark 8:32-33). And Peter’s most famous faux pas came in the Garden of Gethsemane when he promised to stand by Jesus and argued that he would never deny Jesus. I can picture Jesus giving a sad little smile as he told his friend that he would deny him three times before the cock crowed. Of course, we know that Jesus was right, and I can imaging Peter’s humiliation and embarrassment in the aftermath of that story. Yet Peter went on to be one of the strongest leaders in the church and was even quite eloquent with his words in his sermon to the Jews on the day of Pentecost (Acts 2:14-36). One of the things that made Peter so strong was his ability to admit his faults and learn by them.

This has been a common thread in my life as well. In the past couple years, I have been experiencing a spiritual renaissance. Even though I’ve been a follower of God since the age of 13, it wasn’t until late 2006-early 2007 that I really disciplined myself to spend time in daily devotions. And I finally achieved the state of “praying without ceasing”, where I am in constant conversation with God throughout my day, either thanking him for the blessings around me (“Thank you so much, Lord, for this beautiful fall day!”), or making silent commentary to him about the circumstances around me (“Lord, please give me patience for this old man in front of me driving 15 mph below the speed limit…”). I delivered my first-ever sermon in March 2007, and could truly feel the Spirit guiding my words. I could also sense the guidance of the Spirit when consoling another dear friend over the suicide of her stepson at about that same time. My close communion with God guided me through starting my own chocolate company for people with food allergies, and continues to sustain me through the dissolution of my marriage. God has lead me from Georgia to a new life in California, and my life is so blessed right now, I almost feel spoiled by God. In fact, in hindsight my little verbal outburst via email could probably be described as the action of a spoiled child: I have been so bolstered by God’s blessings, that I became overconfident and rushed boldly forward to prove how clever I was, instead of humbly focusing on God’s mercy and grace.

So when I received Heather’s email reply of rebuke to my horrible homily, I went through quite a gambit of emotions. Naturally, I felt horrifically embarrassed and humbled by the valid points she made. It’s usually at this point in receiving chastisement that I go through a protracted period of beating myself up for my stupidity – anywhere from an hour to a month of self-abuse. But this is where the grace of God comes in: Not only did I recognize that I richly deserved the reprimand, but I experience an unusual (for me) sense of gratitude. I was thankful for Heather’s gentle admonition, and that I have a friend who loves me enough to risk offending me to confront me with harsh truths. And I was especially thankful to God for giving Heather the strength to do so, as well as the lessons I gleaned from it. Not only was it a valuable lesson in humility – it also turned into an edifying exercise which motivated me to dig deeper into God’s word and thus helped me to grow even more. More proof that all things work for the good of those who love the Lord.

And now, I offer my story to you as glass of lemonade which God has made from one of the bigger lemons of my life. I pray that you will find fellowship in my example of God’s patience with my humanity, and perhaps learn enough from my blunder to save yourself from a painful lesson down the road of your own life.

And I assure you that I considered every word written here very prayerfully before hitting the send button… now!